Born in Northern California to a pair of acid-dropping hippies, baby Sebastian destroyed any hope his mother might of had of enjoying sex again by weighing in at 9 lbs. 4 oz. At the age of 4, Sebastian was tormented by the Sesame Street duo, the Yup-Yups, and developed an irrational fear of both sock puppets and anything with goggly eyes.  An only child, initially, Sebastian was soon followed by three siblings whose existence was predicated on the fact that the morning after pill was still decades away from commercial use. After being passed around by the priests at St. Francis, Sebastian, developed a strong aversion to religion, wine, and having his hair pulled.   In effort to punish his parents for not buying him the Trypticon Transformer for Christmas, Sebastian, true to his word, did not complete a single homework assignment for the rest of his K-12 education.  After an unremarkable, but passing score on the GED, Sebastian, now a young adult, moved to the Mid-Western United States on the misguided advise of his best friend Penis.   However, within a year both Penis and Sebastian grew frustrated by the lack of opportunities in the "extra-gravy please" state of Minnesota and returned home.  After returning Penis and Sebastian's relationship was never the same, although they remained friends, Sebastian decided to focus more on scholastic pursuits rather than following Penis on his misguided adventures.  Sebastian, after 4 years of hard work and diligence, eventually graduated from UC Berkeley with a B.A in Pretentious White People Thoughts.  While attending UC Berkeley, Sebastian met an intelligent, but entirely too short, microbiologist.  Penis was hesitant to accept her at first, but after an awkward 6 months, he too began to care for her, and the trio were rarely seen apart.  After a short courtship period of 9 years the three of them were married by a bewildered justice of the peace in San Francisco.  Unfortunately,  a degree in Pretentious White People Thoughts did not pay as well as Sebastian had hoped, so he decided to go back to school and get a B.S in Make Your Computer Do Something.  After graduating, Sebastian began working at 9-to-5.com, where he currently resides, and decided to follow Penis on one last misguided dream, to overthrow the patriarchal, capitalist, hierarchy by telling jokes to drunk people.